Do With Me What You Will
by PiNKCooKieS
Summary: Kyle's lover has many conflicting emotions. So many things stopping their ability to love as much as they dream to. -A letter to Kyle that he will never read. Kyle/Anyone


Before you read, think first of the person you think belongs with Kyle. Think of a person that Kyle will love.

Got them?

Now, as you picture this person, allow yourself to read a letter that they will never give to Kyle. You found it on the sidewalk near their house and decided to read it, because as a human, you're curious.

Well, are you?

Go ahead.

Read it.

_Dear Kyle_

_If I stare into your eyes I see a smile. Then I feel guilty because the emotion I see is not the one I feel. _

_It eats at me. Every morning and every night, that stupid reflection in my mirror slaps my eyes closed. Just so I won't see the lies I tell. Just so I won't see the hurt that I know I'll make you feel. _

_It's stupid. It's idiotic. I'm tired of dealing with it. _

_I don't want to love you, Kyle. _

_I want to throw you away from me so that I can happily be rid of this angst. Every time your fingers brush my own, or every time your smile greets me or your lips brush my cheek, I want to run and hide so you'll never find me again. No chance for you to touch me, no chance for that smile to reach my eyes. _

_I'm tired of dropping your hand from my own while pretending to need it for something else. _

_I don't want to touch you, Kyle. _

_My eyes are strained from looking anywhere and everywhere other than your face, because the chance our eyes may lock sets me on needles. I don't want you to give me that look, the one that shows a hidden sadness. I see it, I do. But I can't do anything about it, and you shouldn't expect me to. All I want to do is push it away. _

_I hate you, Kyle. _

_My stomach sinks when I see you and my lashes are wet every night. My heart clenches in response to your smile. _

_Yet every night I clutch your shirt that you left in my room. I trace the fingers that held yours not long ago. I dream of holding you every night and wish I could every day. _

_You've taken my life, and you hold it so delicately that I become scared. _

_I want to hate you. I want to push you away. _

_I'm afraid of loving you, Kyle. _

_I'm afraid my nightmares will come true, of the day when you realize the truth and push me away. I am a demon, I am an asshole, I am a horrible best friend. I am not what you deserve. _

_I'm afraid that you'll realize this, the truth, and forever turn your back on me. I am selfish for knowing you shouldn't want me, but still wanting you all the same. My dreams take me to rendezvous of love with you as the star, and I am finally able to love you without care or guilt. I wake up crying because my heart feels too large with emotions, and it hurts as if it will escape my chest and run just to you. _

_I'm afraid of losing you, Kyle. _

_It makes me hate. The fear of having you gone makes me hate having you near, because all my thoughts are focused on the day you'll leave. By the end of time, I'll hate your eyes, and I'll hate your skin. My fingers will hide behind me so that I can't hold your future absent hand. I don't want to touch you because your body will be gone. I don't want to love you because I'll one day be loving an empty space. _

_But I love you, Kyle._

_I love having you close, I love the color of your eyes and I love your skin. I love grasping your fingers and I love touching your body. I love loving you and I love you and I never want to leave. _

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm so conflicted and I'm sorry that I'll hurt you. I'm sorry you'll leave me and I'm sorry I hate and love you at the same time. But you can hurt me. You can break my heart. I am your forever because all I ever think about is you. _

_I'm sorry, Kyle. _

_Because no matter how selfish or hurtful I am, I will never leave you. But if one day you realize what I have already known, then you can give myself back. You can set my heart back into my chest, tight and locked, so that it will never again jump from my dreams and chase your smile. _

_Because I will always love you, Kyle. I will love you even while I know I'm hurting you. And while I love you, I will always be yours to do with what you wish. _

_Love,_

__._

You read the letter over three more times. You crumple it up and throw it safely in the trash, where no one else can find it.

Then you have a mission. To find this person, this person who loves Kyle, and slap them silly.

Because, obviously, if this person loves Kyle this much, then there's nothing to worry about.

You'll tell this person,

"_Never doubt you can bring your lover happiness._"

They will look at you weird.

You will smile and say it's the truth.

And this person will stare at you, for a couple seconds, then chuckle and smile softly.

They will say,

"_Thanks._"

Then this person will leave you standing and you'll smile as they walk away.

Because you'll never doubt that it's possible for them to live

_Happily_

_Ever _

_After_

Like the way it's meant to be.

The End


End file.
